How Fear Promotes Aggression

Fear is insidious.  It taints all of our interactions and our perceptions about who we are and where we fit in the world.  I've sometimes heard that "dogs know when you're afraid of them."  This is usually said with the implication that the animal will then attack you because it knows you're afraid, that somehow it is taking advantage of your fear.  I think something quite different is going on.  The reason our fear could invite aggression from a dog (or any other creature) is because our fear creates unsafety for the other.  Fearful creatures are hard to predict - it's impossible to know whether they'll fight or flee or freeze.  It makes sense from a survival perspective for the dog to be wary of fearful creatures.

I had an unpleasant interaction a couple of days ago with the substitute mailman.  I was leaving my house with my dog.  As I always do, I let him out off leash to run to the car.  He saw the mailman next door and went bounding up to the man.  I laughingly apologized and assured him my dog was very friendly, until I realized the guy was really freaked out.  I called my dog back and headed for the car.  "Do you have him?  Because I have to cross those yards!"  "Yes, I'm putting him in the car right now.  I'm sorry he scared you."  "He almost got maced!"  I just looked at him and got in my car and left.  But it really upset me.  My dog is an uber-friendly yellow lab mix.  No one is ever afraid of him, and in fact our regular mailwoman and other subs enjoy petting him and even throwing ball with him.  But this poor guy's first thought is mace.  He had no ability to assess actual risk (the dog was not behaving aggressively in any way, his owner was outside with him and able to control him on voice command).  He went straight to violence.  Because he was afraid.  Now in this case, his fear did not generate an aggressive response in my dog, but it did generate an aggressive response in ME.  I spent the next hour fantasizing about what I might say to his superiors when I called to complain.  Of course, I did calm down and looked at what was creating and fueling my own response.  I felt attacked (you're bad because your dog's not on leash).  I felt abashed (because legally, the dog should be on leash).  I felt defensive of my dog (my decision to let him outside off leash could have gotten him maced).  None of these reactions from me were the mailman's fault or responsibility.  The point is, however, that his fear and fearful response inadvertently triggered MY fears and fearful responses.  If I'd commented back to him about the mace, we would have escalated the situation even further. 

Fearful humans (the ones who are easily offended, highly defended and defensive, always ready to see the worst) are not "attractive."  Instead, their behavior puts others on notice:  be careful around me, I don't feel safe and may lash out, I'm not someone who can handle life very well.  This fearful behavior actually generates the necessity that others be wary of them, hold them at arm's length, withhold information from them.  And in circular fashion, they see the others' actions as evidence that they were right to be fearful in the first place.  It's a vicious cycle.

We must begin to master our fears if we want to promote peace in ourselves, in our relationships, and in the world.  We do that by creating basic safety for ourselves.  I could avoid triggering other people's fear of dogs by (a) keeping the dog on leash as required or (b) making sure I look around before letting him off leash to make sure no one is around and (c) training the dog better not to go running up to people but rather to sit and wait for attention.  If I'd done my part, the situation wouldn't have occurred.  The mailman could take a course in dog avoidance and learn to assess danger so he didn't feel so fearful.  He could take a course in community relations so he didn't offend his customers.  If he hadn't reacted the way he did, the situation would not have occurred.  It's interesting - if either of us had responded differently, the situation would not have occurred.  It doesn't take everyone getting on board.   One person can make a difference.

Conditions for Peace: Safety

I had planned to do an entire post about the conditions for peace (on any scale).  I did my academic research, and prepared my citations.  But then the topic got too big, and I stalled out.  So today, I'm going to bite off a smaller piece.

One of the conditions for peace - self/inner, peace with others, world peace - is a feeling of safety.  If the party(ies) don't feel safe, peace will elude them.  I'm writing today specifically about my own sense of peace and how I jeopardized it by creating a lot of unsafety for myself.  Let me explain.

I am not generating a lot of income.  I'm fortunate that I can fall back on savings while I launch a new business in 2010, but it's vital that I be judicious in my spending.  However, I spent way too much this Christmas on gifts, money I didn't really have.  I love to give gifts; I love to delight the people in my life.  But it's not really a "gift" if it's not paid for.  At best, it's a debt (since it went on my credit card).  And it's taking its toll on my sense of safety - financial safety - and therefore on my sense of peace - it's hard to feel peaceful when you're worried about your dwindling bank balance and mounting credit card bills.  So I'm committing right now to getting my financial house in order and living within my means while I begin generating an income.

One facet of my new business will be family law mediation.  I'm seeing that couples in conflict will have a hard time coming to a peaceful resolution if one or both parties feels unsafe around money, custody, power.  Restoring a feeling of safety will be the first step, I think, in working with couples in conflict.  I'm imagining ways to do that would include agreeing on a vision, setting intentions, setting behavioral guidelines.

I think of "peace in the Middle East," and it seems clear that there can be no peace as long as the parties are afraid the "others" want to annihilate them.

What do you think?  Is safety a condition for peace?  How have you created unsafety for yourself?  For people you care about?  What can you do to begin to restore a sense of safety?

Relationships With Partners - Divorce

I was getting my hair cut yesterday and got into a conversation with a woman in the chair next to me about her divorce.  The divorce had only been final for a few months, and she was still raw.  She was angry and felt betrayed.  She was also certain that her future was doomed, that she would never get over this, that nothing could help her.  I couldn't help but speak up:

- Divorce is awful.  It makes sense that you're still in so much pain.  Not enough time has passed for you to know how this is going to affect you.  Give yourself permission to grieve.

- The only way to get your power back is to look at your part of the problem, even if it was only a small percentage (thanks to Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit for this tool).  Who were you being that allowed someone to take advantage of you in that way (of course, I only heard her side of things, but I tried to come from her perspective)?  Where did you give away your power?  How can you take care of yourself so that you don't get into that situation again?

- Go read Katherine Woodward Thomas's book Calling in "The One."  It sounds like a book for finding a man, but it's really about finding your best self.  That book and my ongoing work with Katherine has changed my life in ways I couldn't imagine.

- Finally, I know you're in pain and you think your life is ruined, but I just don't buy that.  It will be your reality though if you think it is.  So I want you to know that I know that is not the truth about you.

As I left the salon, she thanked me, with tears in her eyes.  I think it was just nurturing for her to have someone listen to her story of woe but not get enrolled in it and in fact hold a space of possibility for her.

It's Almost Never About You

When we experience a disappointment in a relationship, it's tempting to think that the other person is trying to hurt us, that we've done something wrong, that somehow the other person is responding to who we are or something we've done.  The truth is:  it's almost never about us!  For each of us humans, our experience is "all about me."  It's the same for everyone.

My mom hates noise, mess, and chaos, but she really wants the family to get together for the holidays (10 adults and 9 kids aged 10 and under).  When the noise, mess and chaos level reaches its natural (and by many measure moderate) peak, mom gets really stressed out.  From that place, she sometimes feels like the children are "doing it on purpose" to hurt her.  Bless her heart, that's just not true.  First, they're kids.  Second, they're cousins, who don't see each other all that often.  Third, they're actually very well behaved and easily corrected when they do get out of hand.  But her experience is real for her and significantly diminishes her enjoyment of her family.

I have a friend who prides himself on his loyalty to service providers and is frustrated because the HVAC guy won't return his calls.  He won't call another repairman, because it's become a "contest" to the the first guy to call him back.  He is convinced that this guy is not calling him back "on purpose" and is laughing at him.  This is almost certainly not true.  The HVAC guy is probably busy and being rather unreliable, but he actually probably feels bad about not getting back to my friend.  Still, my friend's experience is real for him, and meanwhile the only person suffering is him.

It can be so helpful to maintain perspective when we get our feelings hurt or feel wronged - it's almost never about us.  And even if it is about us, our part in it is tangential to the other person's own personal story. 

Chris Henry Dead at 26

I live in the Greater Cincinnati area, and the news yesterday was all about Chris Henry, the Bengals wide receiver who died from a head injury sustained during a domestic dispute.  Like so many others, I found this story terribly sad.  Of course, I don't know the details, but I suspect that these two young people, Chris and his fiance, were both very angry.  He apparently leapt up on the truck she was driving away from him, and one witness said he threatened to let himself fall out.  At some point, he did in fact "come out of the truck."  Now he's dead.  His fiance, who's almost certainly not angry anymore, must be devastated by the loss and her role in it.  And their three children are left without a dad.  And why?  Because two adults let their anger control them, let their anger at each other take over, let their anger make them act like tantrum-throwing two-year-olds.  We've all been that angry.  It's destructive to us and to everyone we touch with it.  Somehow, we have to get hold of ourselves - the domestic disputes, the road rage, the shopping frenzy, the maintenance man who raped and tortured a tenant for hours to settle a score.  The stakes are too high to continue to indulge our emotions in these ways.  But thinking about doing something on the grand scale is overwhelming, at least to me.  So today, I pledge to pay attention to my own anger/irritation.  If it comes up, I'll welcome and witness it, then ask it what it's trying to tell me.  And then I'll take action from a place of strength not terror or fury.  Today, at least.

Rest in peace, Chris Henry
Blessing to him and all his family

Hello Again

I haven't posted in over a week, and I'm not sure why exactly.  I've started several posts that I just haven't finished.  Some of the thoughts I want to express feel profound, and I bog down when I try to convey properly.  So I haven't posted anything at all.  Hmmm . . . . I know at least one thing that is not conducive to personal peace:  perfectionism.  Perfectionism can show up in my life as a fear of looking stupid, a fear of wasting my time, a fear of failing, a fear of succeeding.  It's been a handy excuse for just not trying very hard sometimes.  But there are plenty of other things that are also not conducive to personal peace:  not being fully present in one's life, not fully expressing oneself, not stretching and growing.  So at least for today, I'm going to choose to show up, be present, express myself, and maybe stretch a little.  Stay tuned for the next post.

Zone of Peace - Waking Up

The previous post mentioned Jack Kornfield's idea of a "zone of peace."  He was speaking of creating a zone of peace within and around our selves.  I was startled out of my own zone of peace (and sleep) at 5:00 this morning by an incredibly loud and obnoxious alarm clock blaring from another room.  As I lay in my warm bed, trying to decide whether to get up and address the alarm, I realized I was angry.  I wasn't angry AT anyone.  The noise and the shock had generated a feeling of anger in me that was generalized and pervasive.   I'm so glad that I don't need to use an alarm clock most mornings now.  It was a terrible way for me to start the day - startled, heart thumping, angry.  I've learned that I can tell myself that I intend to way up at a certain time and I will almost always do so.  These days, when I do need to set the alarm, I'm awakened much more gently (and inspirationally) by will.i.am's "It's a New Day" - "I woke up this morning, feeling all right.  I've been waiting for this moment all my life.  I woke up this morning, feeling brand new, cause the dreams that I've been dreaming finally came true.  It's a new day!"

Relationship With Our Self

Like I said before, I'm not particularly religious, but I also think there's much to be learned about peace from the best of many spiritual traditions.  Today, I came across this piece from The Praxis Peace Institute, written by Jack Kornfield (he's addressing dharma practitioners, but that's irrelevant to my interest):

[How] do we find our own place in a complex political world, and find a way towards peace? Our first task is to make our own heart a zone of peace. Instead of becoming entangled in an embattled bitterness, or cynicism that exists externally, we need to begin to heal those qualities within ourselves. We have to face our own suffering, our own fear, and transform them into compassion. Only then can we become ready to offer genuine help to the outside world. Albert Camus writes, "We all carry within us our places of exile, our crimes, our ravages.  Our task is not to unleash them on the world; it is to transform them in ourselves."

A [person] who wants to act in the sphere of politics must quiet their mind and open their heart.  Meditate, turn off the news, turn on Mozart, walk through the trees or the mountains and begin to make yourself peaceful.  Make yourself a zone of peace, and allow the sensitivity and compassion that grows from our interconnection to extend to all beings. If we're not peaceful how can we create harmony in the world? If our own minds are not peaceful, how can we expect peace to come through the actions that we take?  http://www.praxispeace.org/views_jack_kornfield.php

There's such wisdom in the idea that all peace - in the world or in our communities or in our relationships - begins with peace within ourselves (it's sort of the premise of this blog).

Relationships With Children (in the nest or out)

I don't have children of my own, but I'm blessed to have an important role in the lives of many kids, including my eight nephews and my niece.  A dear friend and colleague inspired this evening's post, when she commented on my first post:

"One step I can take is to be willing to apologize to my children if I am impatient or inattentive."

 We're human, so we're going to be impatient and inattentive at times, with the children in our lives and with others.  We teach them how to be good humans by teaching them to take responsibility for their actions and the effect they have on others by taking responsibility for own actions and their effects.

I like to see myself as an extraordinary aunt.  I love these kids so much and truly enjoy being with them.  So when one of my brothers pointed out to me recently (and fairly gently) that I shouldn't make promises to the kids and not follow through, I was devastated.  "What are you talking about?" I asked.  He reminded me that one of my 8-year-old nephews and I had enthusiastically discussed taking a road trip together one summer.  Then I got busy and distracted and didn't think about it much anymore.  When I realized my nephew was disappointed and confused, I felt so bad.  And I felt humiliated that my brother had to point it out to me.  But I put on my big girl panties, as they say, and I told my nephew how sorry I was that we hadn't taken the trip.  I explained to him that I had gotten distracted and kind of forgotten it, and apologized for not discussing it with him.  He's a cool kid anyway and just said, "That's okay, Aunt Cathy."  I felt much better.  And I had a much better sense of the powerful effect I have on the people in my life.  I'm much more careful now about what I commit to and about keeping the commitments I do make. 

Can some of you parents weigh in on this topic?

Relationships With a Partner's Ex

Talk about a difficult topic.  In all my years of dating and relationships and even marriage, I’ve never had to deal with a partner’s angry ex - until now.  Suffice it to say that some of the behavior would not be out of place on a Jerry Springer episode (no, I was not the reason for their divorce - I came along years later).  I have allowed their conflicts to create tremendous dis-ease for me, even leading me to put the relationship, which is otherwise quite extraordinary, on hold several times.

Recently, my teacher and inspiration Katherine Woodward Thomas helped me realize that I could look at this experience in a different way.  I’m in the process of stepping into a new body of work, focused on life coaching and mediation in the field of interpersonal relationships.  Katherine helped me see that this experience actually supported my ability to work with people who are in tremendous pain and conflict. 

I became willing to welcome the experience (ugh).  I even sent her an email telling her I had compassion for her and wished her the best (and meant it).   Being so close to so much anger is still not easy.  I still find my heart racing and my breath shallow, wondering what’s next.  But I’m able to “be” with it more productively.  My note, by the way, had no discernible, immediate effect on her.  But its effect on me was profound.  The "peace" is now more prevalent for me than the panic.

I'm sure some of you have your own stories?

Baby Steps

Not every resentment requires a confrontation for release.  I’m reminded of the 9th and 10th steps in the 12-step program.  In Step 9, we make a list of all those we have harmed and become WILLING to make amends to them.  The willingness is enough.  Step 10 tells us to make direct amends to such people except when doing so would injure them or others.   What I love about steps 9 and 10 are the concept of willingness (to atone, release, forgive, whatever) and the idea that we should only do so directly when it would not further harm anyone.

What do you think of this concept of willingness to forgive (drawn from the willingness to atone)?

Relationships With Our Dads

My dad died when I was 7, and my mom remarried when I was 9.  I hold a tremendous amount of resentment toward my stepfather, even though he and my mom divorced when I was a sophomore in college.  I have never even been willing to forgive him.  I’ve done enough work to know that this resentment harms me, not him.  That releasing him would release me to even deeper levels of bliss.  Could I send him an email or letter, call him?  And say what?  I’m willing to begin thinking about that.  I’m willing to begin thinking of how I would release this resentment.  That’s a step.  That’s enough.

I just wrote a little about Baby Steps and referenced Steps 9 and 10 of the 12-step program.  Now, be assured, I do not think I harmed my stepfather!  But I do want to explore whether there’s anything to be gained from talking to my him directly.  I suspect I’m not even on his radar screen.  “You forgive me?  For what?”  Honestly, I’m afraid of telling the truth, because he is the father of two of my brothers and the grandfather of four of my nephews and my only niece.  I don't want to harm them unnecessarily.

But releasing him within myself, releasing him to his God?  Maybe I can do that.

Relationships With Colleagues

Interpersonal conflict at work sucks.  According to some statistics from Working Dynamics, 30-42% of managers' time is spent reaching agreement with others when conflicts occur (Watson, C. and Hoffman, R., "Managers as Negotiators," Leadership Quarterly 7 (1) 1996) and more than 65% of performance problems result from strained relationships between employees -- not from deficits in individual employees' skill or motivation.

I know this from my own experience working as a low level executive in a large corporation.  The thing I liked least about my work was dealing with unhappy employees, whether they were unhappy with me or someone else or just in general.

I have tremendous resentment toward a woman I worked for (last worked for 7 years ago!).  I found her behavior demeaning, rigid, distrusting.  I felt diminished.  I'd worked so hard to get where I was and this new boss thought I was sabatoging her.  I tried everything I could think of to "change her mind," but ultimately I asked to be moved to another area of the company.

When I think of this person, I can feel my body contract and stiffen.  Not peaceful.  Luckily I don't think of her very often.  I was surprised about a year ago to get a LinkedIn invitation from her, and I took pleasure in not responding.  Not peaceful.

So what steps can I take to repair or heal this relationship?

Well, for starters, I could be willing to let go of this resentment.  Yes, I am willing to do that.  It's a small step, but it's enough for now.

If I want to take a larger step, I can consider some sort of communication.  I don't think that I've harmed her in any way.  But I did cut off communication with her entirely and I did ignore her invitation to be linked in.  What I'd like to say to her is:

• I received your invitation, and I apologize for not responding to it sooner.
• I'm not sure whether you realize how dismayed and disappointed  I was by how our professional relationship proceeded.
• If you would like to talk about it, I'd be willing to do that.  If not, I certainly understand and  (sincerely) wish you the best.

So, I'm willing to take the small (or massive) step of letting go of this resentment within myself.  I'm not sure whether any further action is even desirable, given that I only had a professional relationship with this person and do not even work in the same industry anymore. 

What do you think?  Do you have your own conflicts at work?

How Is This Thing Organized?

My intention, at least right now, is to have posts for various categories of relationships and then blog about my experiences in taking steps toward resolving confict in those kinds of relationships. 

Ideally, you will be taking your own steps, small or large, and at least some of you will want to share your experiences.  I'm hoping that you'll share this concept with your friends and family and that it will take on a momentum of its own . . . and, again ideally, somehow reach everyone on the planet. 

What Is Peace?

My concept of peace is broader than an absence of war or conflict.  Although I grew up Catholic and am not particularly religious, the following description of the Hebrew word "shalom" gets very close to what I think of as peace.

“The general meaning behind the root sh-l-m is of completion & fulfillment & thus of entering into a state of wholeness & unity (oneness) signified by a restored relationship, especially wholeness of the relationship between a person and God.  Shalom signifies a sense of well-being & harmony both within and without, health, happiness, quietness of soul, preservation, prosperity, tranquility, security, safety and includes all that makes life worthwhile. ” 

I feel called to begin to promote peace in the world, in my communities, in my relationships, and within myself.  This blog concentrates on relationships, because I'm passionate about creating happy, healthy, nurturing homes and families.  Removing the conflicts that religion introduces then . . . in the context of relationships . . . imagine . . .

completion
fulfillment
wholeness
unity
restored relationship
well-being
harmony
health
happiness
quietness of soul
prosperity
tranquility
security
safety
all that makes life worthwhile

Indeed.

What kind of peace are you hoping for in your relationships?

What Is "The Peace Initiative"?

OK, I know, it sounds a bit serious and precious (ooooo . . . the “peace” initiative.)  I don’t want this conversation to be a drag, and I'm sure you'll tell me if it is.  But at the same time, peace is serious stuff, and surely it merits an(other) initiative?

Basically, The Peace Initiative is a call to each person on the planet to take just one step toward healing or repairing a relationship that has been damaged by a interpersonal conflict. 

The relationship could be with a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend, a ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, a co-worker or boss, a neighbor, a clerk at the grocery. The step could be as small as taking a few moments to wish the other person well within our own minds/hearts.  Yep, that’s right, you don’t have to interact with the person at all!  Or apologizing to a younger brother for tormenting him with tickle-torture when we were children (uh, that one’s mine). 

One step is enough to transform the earth’s energy.  What if some or all of us consistently take one step at a time?  Taking an easy step is enough.  What if some or all of us take bigger steps?

What step could you take today?