Dancing

I danced with my lover last night
for the first time
strong arms holding me close
our bodies moving together like
they always do so easy
electric magnetic
His eyes gazing into mine (yes
I said gazing) his face full of
love and joy and in-love
My heart pounding, love love 
No one else in the room
No one else in the world
I danced with my lover for the
first time last night.

At a loss for words

Anyone who knows me knows I'm seldom at a loss for words.  But when it comes to posting on this blog, I sometimes find myself with little to say.  Well, that's not true.  I have plenty to say, but I'm not willing to post it on a blog!  So maybe I should do just that.

I've spent the past year doing a course of transformation with about 60 amazing women from all over the country (and Japan) and a couple of wonderful teachers.  For much of the course, I dived in and really showed up.  We're coming to the end of our formal study, and I find myself retreating to my comfort zone of hiding out until I figure everything out.  So, here's the truth:

• I don't know what I'm going to do with my career.  Make movies?  Write?  Coach?  Get a "real" job?  I'm stymied, and the result is distinctly un-peaceful. 

• My significant other is deploying soon.  I'm proud of him and supportive, but I'm going to miss him.  In some ways, it feels like we've had so little time together.  And his situation with his ex of many years has been deteriorating and is coming to a crescendo.  Necessary but not peaceful.  

 So how can I make peace with these situations?  I think with the career, I have to "just do it," something, anything, push forward into a couple of different areas and see what "sticks."  I can't hide out and wait for inspiration.  I think moving forward will actually create more of a sense of peace, just be lessening the anxiety that's boiling just below the surface. If I apply Byron Katie's The Work, the truth is I don't need to know about my career because I don't yet.  If I didn't have the belief that I needed to know/decide, I would be peaceful or at least neutral.  The turnaround is I don't need to know/decide, until I do.  I need to be open and moving forward.

With my significant other, I think I just enjoy the time we do have together.  I think I need to "keep my eyes on my own paper" and let him deal with the drama in his family and speak my truth and love him and receive love from him. I have a belief that "we should all just get along."  The Work?  We should not all just get along, until we do.  I just need to give Ben's ex the freedom to be who she is and do what she's going to do and protect myself as and if appropriate.

I apologize if this post is too personal to really help you.  But I love the idea of this blog, and I am committed to writing here.  Today, I'm at a loss for words.  Maybe tomorrow, I'll have more to say.

Loving What Is

Several months ago, my friend Laura gave me Byron Katie's book Loving What Is.  I'm just now sitting down to read/work it.  The basic idea seems to be that we create our own pain and misery by expecting/demanding/wanting/requiring that things be other than what they are.  Let's say I am angry and frustrated and disappointed because my boyfriend didn't call me when he said he would (again).  He should call me when he says he will!  Otherwise, I feel like I'm not important, not a priority.  Byron Katie asks me to ask myself 4 questions:

1. Is it true that he should call when he says he will?  I would have said YES!
2. Can I absolutely know it is true that he should call me?   But Katie says the answer is no and the way I know that is because that is what is so.  I know that it isn't true that he should call me because he didn't call me.
3. How do I react when I believe the thought that he should call when he says he will and if he doesn't it means I'm not important?  It feels BAD.  I feel alone, sad.
4. Who would I be without this thought?  I'd be more peaceful.

Then, we're supposed to do a "Turnaround."  For example:

An opposite statement:  I am important or He shouldn't call when he says he will unless he wants to.
Turning the thought to myself: I'm not important to me, I don't prioritize myself.
Turning the thought to the other person:  I don't do what I say I will.  When he doesn't call when he says he will, he's not important to me, I don't prioritize him.

So, what do I think about that?  The turnarounds that resonate with me are "he shouldn't call when he says he will unless he wants to," I'm not important (enough) to myself, I don't prioritize myself.

The learning seems (so far) to be that my boyfriend will and should do what he does (that's his business) and I should prioritize myself and honor my importance to myself (my business). 

Any thoughts?

The Perfect Is the Enemy of The Good

I am inspired this morning by Voltaire.  Actually, this quotation "the perfect is the enemy of the good" is my inspiration; I googled it and saw it was from Voltaire.  How often do I do nothing because I don't have time to do it perfectly?  Sometimes, I'll realize that I haven't responded to an email or phone call from someone I care very much about . . . because I felt like I didn't have time to respond "well" or "fully."  So I don't respond at all?  I'll avert my eyes from the dog hair under the TV cabinet, because I don't have time (or energy or inclination) to clean the house from top to bottom.  Really?  Today, I resolve to do what I can, where I am.  Good is good!  Improvement is good!  Perfect is impossible and not even really desirable. 

Happy New Year

I just realized that it's been more than two weeks since I last posted.  That run-in with the mailman really set the tone for my holiday season, and I'm just now recovering my equilibrium.  I was forced to come to terms with some realities that I'd previously been denying or hiding from.  Not fun but necessary.

Yesterday, I finished a task related to my video work that had been weighing on my consciousness (and conscience) for months.  I knew I'd be relieved, but I wasn't prepared for the lightness I'd feel, the sense of possibility I would experience.   It just reminds me that it's hard to be at peace with myself when I have commitments looming.  It's important for me to follow through with my commitments, so it is vital that I be judicious about what I commit to do.