Relationships With Children (in the nest or out)

I don't have children of my own, but I'm blessed to have an important role in the lives of many kids, including my eight nephews and my niece.  A dear friend and colleague inspired this evening's post, when she commented on my first post:

"One step I can take is to be willing to apologize to my children if I am impatient or inattentive."

 We're human, so we're going to be impatient and inattentive at times, with the children in our lives and with others.  We teach them how to be good humans by teaching them to take responsibility for their actions and the effect they have on others by taking responsibility for own actions and their effects.

I like to see myself as an extraordinary aunt.  I love these kids so much and truly enjoy being with them.  So when one of my brothers pointed out to me recently (and fairly gently) that I shouldn't make promises to the kids and not follow through, I was devastated.  "What are you talking about?" I asked.  He reminded me that one of my 8-year-old nephews and I had enthusiastically discussed taking a road trip together one summer.  Then I got busy and distracted and didn't think about it much anymore.  When I realized my nephew was disappointed and confused, I felt so bad.  And I felt humiliated that my brother had to point it out to me.  But I put on my big girl panties, as they say, and I told my nephew how sorry I was that we hadn't taken the trip.  I explained to him that I had gotten distracted and kind of forgotten it, and apologized for not discussing it with him.  He's a cool kid anyway and just said, "That's okay, Aunt Cathy."  I felt much better.  And I had a much better sense of the powerful effect I have on the people in my life.  I'm much more careful now about what I commit to and about keeping the commitments I do make. 

Can some of you parents weigh in on this topic?

Baby Steps

Not every resentment requires a confrontation for release.  I’m reminded of the 9th and 10th steps in the 12-step program.  In Step 9, we make a list of all those we have harmed and become WILLING to make amends to them.  The willingness is enough.  Step 10 tells us to make direct amends to such people except when doing so would injure them or others.   What I love about steps 9 and 10 are the concept of willingness (to atone, release, forgive, whatever) and the idea that we should only do so directly when it would not further harm anyone.

What do you think of this concept of willingness to forgive (drawn from the willingness to atone)?

Relationships With Our Dads

My dad died when I was 7, and my mom remarried when I was 9.  I hold a tremendous amount of resentment toward my stepfather, even though he and my mom divorced when I was a sophomore in college.  I have never even been willing to forgive him.  I’ve done enough work to know that this resentment harms me, not him.  That releasing him would release me to even deeper levels of bliss.  Could I send him an email or letter, call him?  And say what?  I’m willing to begin thinking about that.  I’m willing to begin thinking of how I would release this resentment.  That’s a step.  That’s enough.

I just wrote a little about Baby Steps and referenced Steps 9 and 10 of the 12-step program.  Now, be assured, I do not think I harmed my stepfather!  But I do want to explore whether there’s anything to be gained from talking to my him directly.  I suspect I’m not even on his radar screen.  “You forgive me?  For what?”  Honestly, I’m afraid of telling the truth, because he is the father of two of my brothers and the grandfather of four of my nephews and my only niece.  I don't want to harm them unnecessarily.

But releasing him within myself, releasing him to his God?  Maybe I can do that.