How Fear Promotes Aggression

Fear is insidious.  It taints all of our interactions and our perceptions about who we are and where we fit in the world.  I've sometimes heard that "dogs know when you're afraid of them."  This is usually said with the implication that the animal will then attack you because it knows you're afraid, that somehow it is taking advantage of your fear.  I think something quite different is going on.  The reason our fear could invite aggression from a dog (or any other creature) is because our fear creates unsafety for the other.  Fearful creatures are hard to predict - it's impossible to know whether they'll fight or flee or freeze.  It makes sense from a survival perspective for the dog to be wary of fearful creatures.

I had an unpleasant interaction a couple of days ago with the substitute mailman.  I was leaving my house with my dog.  As I always do, I let him out off leash to run to the car.  He saw the mailman next door and went bounding up to the man.  I laughingly apologized and assured him my dog was very friendly, until I realized the guy was really freaked out.  I called my dog back and headed for the car.  "Do you have him?  Because I have to cross those yards!"  "Yes, I'm putting him in the car right now.  I'm sorry he scared you."  "He almost got maced!"  I just looked at him and got in my car and left.  But it really upset me.  My dog is an uber-friendly yellow lab mix.  No one is ever afraid of him, and in fact our regular mailwoman and other subs enjoy petting him and even throwing ball with him.  But this poor guy's first thought is mace.  He had no ability to assess actual risk (the dog was not behaving aggressively in any way, his owner was outside with him and able to control him on voice command).  He went straight to violence.  Because he was afraid.  Now in this case, his fear did not generate an aggressive response in my dog, but it did generate an aggressive response in ME.  I spent the next hour fantasizing about what I might say to his superiors when I called to complain.  Of course, I did calm down and looked at what was creating and fueling my own response.  I felt attacked (you're bad because your dog's not on leash).  I felt abashed (because legally, the dog should be on leash).  I felt defensive of my dog (my decision to let him outside off leash could have gotten him maced).  None of these reactions from me were the mailman's fault or responsibility.  The point is, however, that his fear and fearful response inadvertently triggered MY fears and fearful responses.  If I'd commented back to him about the mace, we would have escalated the situation even further. 

Fearful humans (the ones who are easily offended, highly defended and defensive, always ready to see the worst) are not "attractive."  Instead, their behavior puts others on notice:  be careful around me, I don't feel safe and may lash out, I'm not someone who can handle life very well.  This fearful behavior actually generates the necessity that others be wary of them, hold them at arm's length, withhold information from them.  And in circular fashion, they see the others' actions as evidence that they were right to be fearful in the first place.  It's a vicious cycle.

We must begin to master our fears if we want to promote peace in ourselves, in our relationships, and in the world.  We do that by creating basic safety for ourselves.  I could avoid triggering other people's fear of dogs by (a) keeping the dog on leash as required or (b) making sure I look around before letting him off leash to make sure no one is around and (c) training the dog better not to go running up to people but rather to sit and wait for attention.  If I'd done my part, the situation wouldn't have occurred.  The mailman could take a course in dog avoidance and learn to assess danger so he didn't feel so fearful.  He could take a course in community relations so he didn't offend his customers.  If he hadn't reacted the way he did, the situation would not have occurred.  It's interesting - if either of us had responded differently, the situation would not have occurred.  It doesn't take everyone getting on board.   One person can make a difference.

Conditions for Peace: Safety

I had planned to do an entire post about the conditions for peace (on any scale).  I did my academic research, and prepared my citations.  But then the topic got too big, and I stalled out.  So today, I'm going to bite off a smaller piece.

One of the conditions for peace - self/inner, peace with others, world peace - is a feeling of safety.  If the party(ies) don't feel safe, peace will elude them.  I'm writing today specifically about my own sense of peace and how I jeopardized it by creating a lot of unsafety for myself.  Let me explain.

I am not generating a lot of income.  I'm fortunate that I can fall back on savings while I launch a new business in 2010, but it's vital that I be judicious in my spending.  However, I spent way too much this Christmas on gifts, money I didn't really have.  I love to give gifts; I love to delight the people in my life.  But it's not really a "gift" if it's not paid for.  At best, it's a debt (since it went on my credit card).  And it's taking its toll on my sense of safety - financial safety - and therefore on my sense of peace - it's hard to feel peaceful when you're worried about your dwindling bank balance and mounting credit card bills.  So I'm committing right now to getting my financial house in order and living within my means while I begin generating an income.

One facet of my new business will be family law mediation.  I'm seeing that couples in conflict will have a hard time coming to a peaceful resolution if one or both parties feels unsafe around money, custody, power.  Restoring a feeling of safety will be the first step, I think, in working with couples in conflict.  I'm imagining ways to do that would include agreeing on a vision, setting intentions, setting behavioral guidelines.

I think of "peace in the Middle East," and it seems clear that there can be no peace as long as the parties are afraid the "others" want to annihilate them.

What do you think?  Is safety a condition for peace?  How have you created unsafety for yourself?  For people you care about?  What can you do to begin to restore a sense of safety?

Relationships With Partners - Divorce

I was getting my hair cut yesterday and got into a conversation with a woman in the chair next to me about her divorce.  The divorce had only been final for a few months, and she was still raw.  She was angry and felt betrayed.  She was also certain that her future was doomed, that she would never get over this, that nothing could help her.  I couldn't help but speak up:

- Divorce is awful.  It makes sense that you're still in so much pain.  Not enough time has passed for you to know how this is going to affect you.  Give yourself permission to grieve.

- The only way to get your power back is to look at your part of the problem, even if it was only a small percentage (thanks to Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit for this tool).  Who were you being that allowed someone to take advantage of you in that way (of course, I only heard her side of things, but I tried to come from her perspective)?  Where did you give away your power?  How can you take care of yourself so that you don't get into that situation again?

- Go read Katherine Woodward Thomas's book Calling in "The One."  It sounds like a book for finding a man, but it's really about finding your best self.  That book and my ongoing work with Katherine has changed my life in ways I couldn't imagine.

- Finally, I know you're in pain and you think your life is ruined, but I just don't buy that.  It will be your reality though if you think it is.  So I want you to know that I know that is not the truth about you.

As I left the salon, she thanked me, with tears in her eyes.  I think it was just nurturing for her to have someone listen to her story of woe but not get enrolled in it and in fact hold a space of possibility for her.

It's Almost Never About You

When we experience a disappointment in a relationship, it's tempting to think that the other person is trying to hurt us, that we've done something wrong, that somehow the other person is responding to who we are or something we've done.  The truth is:  it's almost never about us!  For each of us humans, our experience is "all about me."  It's the same for everyone.

My mom hates noise, mess, and chaos, but she really wants the family to get together for the holidays (10 adults and 9 kids aged 10 and under).  When the noise, mess and chaos level reaches its natural (and by many measure moderate) peak, mom gets really stressed out.  From that place, she sometimes feels like the children are "doing it on purpose" to hurt her.  Bless her heart, that's just not true.  First, they're kids.  Second, they're cousins, who don't see each other all that often.  Third, they're actually very well behaved and easily corrected when they do get out of hand.  But her experience is real for her and significantly diminishes her enjoyment of her family.

I have a friend who prides himself on his loyalty to service providers and is frustrated because the HVAC guy won't return his calls.  He won't call another repairman, because it's become a "contest" to the the first guy to call him back.  He is convinced that this guy is not calling him back "on purpose" and is laughing at him.  This is almost certainly not true.  The HVAC guy is probably busy and being rather unreliable, but he actually probably feels bad about not getting back to my friend.  Still, my friend's experience is real for him, and meanwhile the only person suffering is him.

It can be so helpful to maintain perspective when we get our feelings hurt or feel wronged - it's almost never about us.  And even if it is about us, our part in it is tangential to the other person's own personal story.