I had an unpleasant interaction a couple of days ago with the substitute mailman. I was leaving my house with my dog. As I always do, I let him out off leash to run to the car. He saw the mailman next door and went bounding up to the man. I laughingly apologized and assured him my dog was very friendly, until I realized the guy was really freaked out. I called my dog back and headed for the car. "Do you have him? Because I have to cross those yards!" "Yes, I'm putting him in the car right now. I'm sorry he scared you." "He almost got maced!" I just looked at him and got in my car and left. But it really upset me. My dog is an uber-friendly yellow lab mix. No one is ever afraid of him, and in fact our regular mailwoman and other subs enjoy petting him and even throwing ball with him. But this poor guy's first thought is mace. He had no ability to assess actual risk (the dog was not behaving aggressively in any way, his owner was outside with him and able to control him on voice command). He went straight to violence. Because he was afraid. Now in this case, his fear did not generate an aggressive response in my dog, but it did generate an aggressive response in ME. I spent the next hour fantasizing about what I might say to his superiors when I called to complain. Of course, I did calm down and looked at what was creating and fueling my own response. I felt attacked (you're bad because your dog's not on leash). I felt abashed (because legally, the dog should be on leash). I felt defensive of my dog (my decision to let him outside off leash could have gotten him maced). None of these reactions from me were the mailman's fault or responsibility. The point is, however, that his fear and fearful response inadvertently triggered MY fears and fearful responses. If I'd commented back to him about the mace, we would have escalated the situation even further.
Fearful humans (the ones who are easily offended, highly defended and defensive, always ready to see the worst) are not "attractive." Instead, their behavior puts others on notice: be careful around me, I don't feel safe and may lash out, I'm not someone who can handle life very well. This fearful behavior actually generates the necessity that others be wary of them, hold them at arm's length, withhold information from them. And in circular fashion, they see the others' actions as evidence that they were right to be fearful in the first place. It's a vicious cycle.
We must begin to master our fears if we want to promote peace in ourselves, in our relationships, and in the world. We do that by creating basic safety for ourselves. I could avoid triggering other people's fear of dogs by (a) keeping the dog on leash as required or (b) making sure I look around before letting him off leash to make sure no one is around and (c) training the dog better not to go running up to people but rather to sit and wait for attention. If I'd done my part, the situation wouldn't have occurred. The mailman could take a course in dog avoidance and learn to assess danger so he didn't feel so fearful. He could take a course in community relations so he didn't offend his customers. If he hadn't reacted the way he did, the situation would not have occurred. It's interesting - if either of us had responded differently, the situation would not have occurred. It doesn't take everyone getting on board. One person can make a difference.
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