When we experience a disappointment in a relationship, it's tempting to think that the other person is trying to hurt us, that we've done something wrong, that somehow the other person is responding to who we are or something we've done. The truth is: it's almost never about us! For each of us humans, our experience is "all about me." It's the same for everyone.
My mom hates noise, mess, and chaos, but she really wants the family to get together for the holidays (10 adults and 9 kids aged 10 and under). When the noise, mess and chaos level reaches its natural (and by many measure moderate) peak, mom gets really stressed out. From that place, she sometimes feels like the children are "doing it on purpose" to hurt her. Bless her heart, that's just not true. First, they're kids. Second, they're cousins, who don't see each other all that often. Third, they're actually very well behaved and easily corrected when they do get out of hand. But her experience is real for her and significantly diminishes her enjoyment of her family.
I have a friend who prides himself on his loyalty to service providers and is frustrated because the HVAC guy won't return his calls. He won't call another repairman, because it's become a "contest" to the the first guy to call him back. He is convinced that this guy is not calling him back "on purpose" and is laughing at him. This is almost certainly not true. The HVAC guy is probably busy and being rather unreliable, but he actually probably feels bad about not getting back to my friend. Still, my friend's experience is real for him, and meanwhile the only person suffering is him.
It can be so helpful to maintain perspective when we get our feelings hurt or feel wronged - it's almost never about us. And even if it is about us, our part in it is tangential to the other person's own personal story.
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