Relationships With Children (in the nest or out)

I don't have children of my own, but I'm blessed to have an important role in the lives of many kids, including my eight nephews and my niece.  A dear friend and colleague inspired this evening's post, when she commented on my first post:

"One step I can take is to be willing to apologize to my children if I am impatient or inattentive."

 We're human, so we're going to be impatient and inattentive at times, with the children in our lives and with others.  We teach them how to be good humans by teaching them to take responsibility for their actions and the effect they have on others by taking responsibility for own actions and their effects.

I like to see myself as an extraordinary aunt.  I love these kids so much and truly enjoy being with them.  So when one of my brothers pointed out to me recently (and fairly gently) that I shouldn't make promises to the kids and not follow through, I was devastated.  "What are you talking about?" I asked.  He reminded me that one of my 8-year-old nephews and I had enthusiastically discussed taking a road trip together one summer.  Then I got busy and distracted and didn't think about it much anymore.  When I realized my nephew was disappointed and confused, I felt so bad.  And I felt humiliated that my brother had to point it out to me.  But I put on my big girl panties, as they say, and I told my nephew how sorry I was that we hadn't taken the trip.  I explained to him that I had gotten distracted and kind of forgotten it, and apologized for not discussing it with him.  He's a cool kid anyway and just said, "That's okay, Aunt Cathy."  I felt much better.  And I had a much better sense of the powerful effect I have on the people in my life.  I'm much more careful now about what I commit to and about keeping the commitments I do make. 

Can some of you parents weigh in on this topic?

Relationships With a Partner's Ex

Talk about a difficult topic.  In all my years of dating and relationships and even marriage, I’ve never had to deal with a partner’s angry ex - until now.  Suffice it to say that some of the behavior would not be out of place on a Jerry Springer episode (no, I was not the reason for their divorce - I came along years later).  I have allowed their conflicts to create tremendous dis-ease for me, even leading me to put the relationship, which is otherwise quite extraordinary, on hold several times.

Recently, my teacher and inspiration Katherine Woodward Thomas helped me realize that I could look at this experience in a different way.  I’m in the process of stepping into a new body of work, focused on life coaching and mediation in the field of interpersonal relationships.  Katherine helped me see that this experience actually supported my ability to work with people who are in tremendous pain and conflict. 

I became willing to welcome the experience (ugh).  I even sent her an email telling her I had compassion for her and wished her the best (and meant it).   Being so close to so much anger is still not easy.  I still find my heart racing and my breath shallow, wondering what’s next.  But I’m able to “be” with it more productively.  My note, by the way, had no discernible, immediate effect on her.  But its effect on me was profound.  The "peace" is now more prevalent for me than the panic.

I'm sure some of you have your own stories?

Relationships With Our Dads

My dad died when I was 7, and my mom remarried when I was 9.  I hold a tremendous amount of resentment toward my stepfather, even though he and my mom divorced when I was a sophomore in college.  I have never even been willing to forgive him.  I’ve done enough work to know that this resentment harms me, not him.  That releasing him would release me to even deeper levels of bliss.  Could I send him an email or letter, call him?  And say what?  I’m willing to begin thinking about that.  I’m willing to begin thinking of how I would release this resentment.  That’s a step.  That’s enough.

I just wrote a little about Baby Steps and referenced Steps 9 and 10 of the 12-step program.  Now, be assured, I do not think I harmed my stepfather!  But I do want to explore whether there’s anything to be gained from talking to my him directly.  I suspect I’m not even on his radar screen.  “You forgive me?  For what?”  Honestly, I’m afraid of telling the truth, because he is the father of two of my brothers and the grandfather of four of my nephews and my only niece.  I don't want to harm them unnecessarily.

But releasing him within myself, releasing him to his God?  Maybe I can do that.

Relationships With Colleagues

Interpersonal conflict at work sucks.  According to some statistics from Working Dynamics, 30-42% of managers' time is spent reaching agreement with others when conflicts occur (Watson, C. and Hoffman, R., "Managers as Negotiators," Leadership Quarterly 7 (1) 1996) and more than 65% of performance problems result from strained relationships between employees -- not from deficits in individual employees' skill or motivation.

I know this from my own experience working as a low level executive in a large corporation.  The thing I liked least about my work was dealing with unhappy employees, whether they were unhappy with me or someone else or just in general.

I have tremendous resentment toward a woman I worked for (last worked for 7 years ago!).  I found her behavior demeaning, rigid, distrusting.  I felt diminished.  I'd worked so hard to get where I was and this new boss thought I was sabatoging her.  I tried everything I could think of to "change her mind," but ultimately I asked to be moved to another area of the company.

When I think of this person, I can feel my body contract and stiffen.  Not peaceful.  Luckily I don't think of her very often.  I was surprised about a year ago to get a LinkedIn invitation from her, and I took pleasure in not responding.  Not peaceful.

So what steps can I take to repair or heal this relationship?

Well, for starters, I could be willing to let go of this resentment.  Yes, I am willing to do that.  It's a small step, but it's enough for now.

If I want to take a larger step, I can consider some sort of communication.  I don't think that I've harmed her in any way.  But I did cut off communication with her entirely and I did ignore her invitation to be linked in.  What I'd like to say to her is:

• I received your invitation, and I apologize for not responding to it sooner.
• I'm not sure whether you realize how dismayed and disappointed  I was by how our professional relationship proceeded.
• If you would like to talk about it, I'd be willing to do that.  If not, I certainly understand and  (sincerely) wish you the best.

So, I'm willing to take the small (or massive) step of letting go of this resentment within myself.  I'm not sure whether any further action is even desirable, given that I only had a professional relationship with this person and do not even work in the same industry anymore. 

What do you think?  Do you have your own conflicts at work?

What Is Peace?

My concept of peace is broader than an absence of war or conflict.  Although I grew up Catholic and am not particularly religious, the following description of the Hebrew word "shalom" gets very close to what I think of as peace.

“The general meaning behind the root sh-l-m is of completion & fulfillment & thus of entering into a state of wholeness & unity (oneness) signified by a restored relationship, especially wholeness of the relationship between a person and God.  Shalom signifies a sense of well-being & harmony both within and without, health, happiness, quietness of soul, preservation, prosperity, tranquility, security, safety and includes all that makes life worthwhile. ” 

I feel called to begin to promote peace in the world, in my communities, in my relationships, and within myself.  This blog concentrates on relationships, because I'm passionate about creating happy, healthy, nurturing homes and families.  Removing the conflicts that religion introduces then . . . in the context of relationships . . . imagine . . .

completion
fulfillment
wholeness
unity
restored relationship
well-being
harmony
health
happiness
quietness of soul
prosperity
tranquility
security
safety
all that makes life worthwhile

Indeed.

What kind of peace are you hoping for in your relationships?

What Is "The Peace Initiative"?

OK, I know, it sounds a bit serious and precious (ooooo . . . the “peace” initiative.)  I don’t want this conversation to be a drag, and I'm sure you'll tell me if it is.  But at the same time, peace is serious stuff, and surely it merits an(other) initiative?

Basically, The Peace Initiative is a call to each person on the planet to take just one step toward healing or repairing a relationship that has been damaged by a interpersonal conflict. 

The relationship could be with a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend, a ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, a co-worker or boss, a neighbor, a clerk at the grocery. The step could be as small as taking a few moments to wish the other person well within our own minds/hearts.  Yep, that’s right, you don’t have to interact with the person at all!  Or apologizing to a younger brother for tormenting him with tickle-torture when we were children (uh, that one’s mine). 

One step is enough to transform the earth’s energy.  What if some or all of us consistently take one step at a time?  Taking an easy step is enough.  What if some or all of us take bigger steps?

What step could you take today?