Relationships With Partners - Divorce

I was getting my hair cut yesterday and got into a conversation with a woman in the chair next to me about her divorce.  The divorce had only been final for a few months, and she was still raw.  She was angry and felt betrayed.  She was also certain that her future was doomed, that she would never get over this, that nothing could help her.  I couldn't help but speak up:

- Divorce is awful.  It makes sense that you're still in so much pain.  Not enough time has passed for you to know how this is going to affect you.  Give yourself permission to grieve.

- The only way to get your power back is to look at your part of the problem, even if it was only a small percentage (thanks to Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit for this tool).  Who were you being that allowed someone to take advantage of you in that way (of course, I only heard her side of things, but I tried to come from her perspective)?  Where did you give away your power?  How can you take care of yourself so that you don't get into that situation again?

- Go read Katherine Woodward Thomas's book Calling in "The One."  It sounds like a book for finding a man, but it's really about finding your best self.  That book and my ongoing work with Katherine has changed my life in ways I couldn't imagine.

- Finally, I know you're in pain and you think your life is ruined, but I just don't buy that.  It will be your reality though if you think it is.  So I want you to know that I know that is not the truth about you.

As I left the salon, she thanked me, with tears in her eyes.  I think it was just nurturing for her to have someone listen to her story of woe but not get enrolled in it and in fact hold a space of possibility for her.

Relationships With a Partner's Ex

Talk about a difficult topic.  In all my years of dating and relationships and even marriage, I’ve never had to deal with a partner’s angry ex - until now.  Suffice it to say that some of the behavior would not be out of place on a Jerry Springer episode (no, I was not the reason for their divorce - I came along years later).  I have allowed their conflicts to create tremendous dis-ease for me, even leading me to put the relationship, which is otherwise quite extraordinary, on hold several times.

Recently, my teacher and inspiration Katherine Woodward Thomas helped me realize that I could look at this experience in a different way.  I’m in the process of stepping into a new body of work, focused on life coaching and mediation in the field of interpersonal relationships.  Katherine helped me see that this experience actually supported my ability to work with people who are in tremendous pain and conflict. 

I became willing to welcome the experience (ugh).  I even sent her an email telling her I had compassion for her and wished her the best (and meant it).   Being so close to so much anger is still not easy.  I still find my heart racing and my breath shallow, wondering what’s next.  But I’m able to “be” with it more productively.  My note, by the way, had no discernible, immediate effect on her.  But its effect on me was profound.  The "peace" is now more prevalent for me than the panic.

I'm sure some of you have your own stories?