Loving What Is

Several months ago, my friend Laura gave me Byron Katie's book Loving What Is.  I'm just now sitting down to read/work it.  The basic idea seems to be that we create our own pain and misery by expecting/demanding/wanting/requiring that things be other than what they are.  Let's say I am angry and frustrated and disappointed because my boyfriend didn't call me when he said he would (again).  He should call me when he says he will!  Otherwise, I feel like I'm not important, not a priority.  Byron Katie asks me to ask myself 4 questions:

1. Is it true that he should call when he says he will?  I would have said YES!
2. Can I absolutely know it is true that he should call me?   But Katie says the answer is no and the way I know that is because that is what is so.  I know that it isn't true that he should call me because he didn't call me.
3. How do I react when I believe the thought that he should call when he says he will and if he doesn't it means I'm not important?  It feels BAD.  I feel alone, sad.
4. Who would I be without this thought?  I'd be more peaceful.

Then, we're supposed to do a "Turnaround."  For example:

An opposite statement:  I am important or He shouldn't call when he says he will unless he wants to.
Turning the thought to myself: I'm not important to me, I don't prioritize myself.
Turning the thought to the other person:  I don't do what I say I will.  When he doesn't call when he says he will, he's not important to me, I don't prioritize him.

So, what do I think about that?  The turnarounds that resonate with me are "he shouldn't call when he says he will unless he wants to," I'm not important (enough) to myself, I don't prioritize myself.

The learning seems (so far) to be that my boyfriend will and should do what he does (that's his business) and I should prioritize myself and honor my importance to myself (my business). 

Any thoughts?

Relationships With Partners - Divorce

I was getting my hair cut yesterday and got into a conversation with a woman in the chair next to me about her divorce.  The divorce had only been final for a few months, and she was still raw.  She was angry and felt betrayed.  She was also certain that her future was doomed, that she would never get over this, that nothing could help her.  I couldn't help but speak up:

- Divorce is awful.  It makes sense that you're still in so much pain.  Not enough time has passed for you to know how this is going to affect you.  Give yourself permission to grieve.

- The only way to get your power back is to look at your part of the problem, even if it was only a small percentage (thanks to Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit for this tool).  Who were you being that allowed someone to take advantage of you in that way (of course, I only heard her side of things, but I tried to come from her perspective)?  Where did you give away your power?  How can you take care of yourself so that you don't get into that situation again?

- Go read Katherine Woodward Thomas's book Calling in "The One."  It sounds like a book for finding a man, but it's really about finding your best self.  That book and my ongoing work with Katherine has changed my life in ways I couldn't imagine.

- Finally, I know you're in pain and you think your life is ruined, but I just don't buy that.  It will be your reality though if you think it is.  So I want you to know that I know that is not the truth about you.

As I left the salon, she thanked me, with tears in her eyes.  I think it was just nurturing for her to have someone listen to her story of woe but not get enrolled in it and in fact hold a space of possibility for her.

Chris Henry Dead at 26

I live in the Greater Cincinnati area, and the news yesterday was all about Chris Henry, the Bengals wide receiver who died from a head injury sustained during a domestic dispute.  Like so many others, I found this story terribly sad.  Of course, I don't know the details, but I suspect that these two young people, Chris and his fiance, were both very angry.  He apparently leapt up on the truck she was driving away from him, and one witness said he threatened to let himself fall out.  At some point, he did in fact "come out of the truck."  Now he's dead.  His fiance, who's almost certainly not angry anymore, must be devastated by the loss and her role in it.  And their three children are left without a dad.  And why?  Because two adults let their anger control them, let their anger at each other take over, let their anger make them act like tantrum-throwing two-year-olds.  We've all been that angry.  It's destructive to us and to everyone we touch with it.  Somehow, we have to get hold of ourselves - the domestic disputes, the road rage, the shopping frenzy, the maintenance man who raped and tortured a tenant for hours to settle a score.  The stakes are too high to continue to indulge our emotions in these ways.  But thinking about doing something on the grand scale is overwhelming, at least to me.  So today, I pledge to pay attention to my own anger/irritation.  If it comes up, I'll welcome and witness it, then ask it what it's trying to tell me.  And then I'll take action from a place of strength not terror or fury.  Today, at least.

Rest in peace, Chris Henry
Blessing to him and all his family