Relationships With a Partner's Ex

Talk about a difficult topic.  In all my years of dating and relationships and even marriage, I’ve never had to deal with a partner’s angry ex - until now.  Suffice it to say that some of the behavior would not be out of place on a Jerry Springer episode (no, I was not the reason for their divorce - I came along years later).  I have allowed their conflicts to create tremendous dis-ease for me, even leading me to put the relationship, which is otherwise quite extraordinary, on hold several times.

Recently, my teacher and inspiration Katherine Woodward Thomas helped me realize that I could look at this experience in a different way.  I’m in the process of stepping into a new body of work, focused on life coaching and mediation in the field of interpersonal relationships.  Katherine helped me see that this experience actually supported my ability to work with people who are in tremendous pain and conflict. 

I became willing to welcome the experience (ugh).  I even sent her an email telling her I had compassion for her and wished her the best (and meant it).   Being so close to so much anger is still not easy.  I still find my heart racing and my breath shallow, wondering what’s next.  But I’m able to “be” with it more productively.  My note, by the way, had no discernible, immediate effect on her.  But its effect on me was profound.  The "peace" is now more prevalent for me than the panic.

I'm sure some of you have your own stories?

Baby Steps

Not every resentment requires a confrontation for release.  I’m reminded of the 9th and 10th steps in the 12-step program.  In Step 9, we make a list of all those we have harmed and become WILLING to make amends to them.  The willingness is enough.  Step 10 tells us to make direct amends to such people except when doing so would injure them or others.   What I love about steps 9 and 10 are the concept of willingness (to atone, release, forgive, whatever) and the idea that we should only do so directly when it would not further harm anyone.

What do you think of this concept of willingness to forgive (drawn from the willingness to atone)?

Relationships With Our Dads

My dad died when I was 7, and my mom remarried when I was 9.  I hold a tremendous amount of resentment toward my stepfather, even though he and my mom divorced when I was a sophomore in college.  I have never even been willing to forgive him.  I’ve done enough work to know that this resentment harms me, not him.  That releasing him would release me to even deeper levels of bliss.  Could I send him an email or letter, call him?  And say what?  I’m willing to begin thinking about that.  I’m willing to begin thinking of how I would release this resentment.  That’s a step.  That’s enough.

I just wrote a little about Baby Steps and referenced Steps 9 and 10 of the 12-step program.  Now, be assured, I do not think I harmed my stepfather!  But I do want to explore whether there’s anything to be gained from talking to my him directly.  I suspect I’m not even on his radar screen.  “You forgive me?  For what?”  Honestly, I’m afraid of telling the truth, because he is the father of two of my brothers and the grandfather of four of my nephews and my only niece.  I don't want to harm them unnecessarily.

But releasing him within myself, releasing him to his God?  Maybe I can do that.

Relationships With Colleagues

Interpersonal conflict at work sucks.  According to some statistics from Working Dynamics, 30-42% of managers' time is spent reaching agreement with others when conflicts occur (Watson, C. and Hoffman, R., "Managers as Negotiators," Leadership Quarterly 7 (1) 1996) and more than 65% of performance problems result from strained relationships between employees -- not from deficits in individual employees' skill or motivation.

I know this from my own experience working as a low level executive in a large corporation.  The thing I liked least about my work was dealing with unhappy employees, whether they were unhappy with me or someone else or just in general.

I have tremendous resentment toward a woman I worked for (last worked for 7 years ago!).  I found her behavior demeaning, rigid, distrusting.  I felt diminished.  I'd worked so hard to get where I was and this new boss thought I was sabatoging her.  I tried everything I could think of to "change her mind," but ultimately I asked to be moved to another area of the company.

When I think of this person, I can feel my body contract and stiffen.  Not peaceful.  Luckily I don't think of her very often.  I was surprised about a year ago to get a LinkedIn invitation from her, and I took pleasure in not responding.  Not peaceful.

So what steps can I take to repair or heal this relationship?

Well, for starters, I could be willing to let go of this resentment.  Yes, I am willing to do that.  It's a small step, but it's enough for now.

If I want to take a larger step, I can consider some sort of communication.  I don't think that I've harmed her in any way.  But I did cut off communication with her entirely and I did ignore her invitation to be linked in.  What I'd like to say to her is:

• I received your invitation, and I apologize for not responding to it sooner.
• I'm not sure whether you realize how dismayed and disappointed  I was by how our professional relationship proceeded.
• If you would like to talk about it, I'd be willing to do that.  If not, I certainly understand and  (sincerely) wish you the best.

So, I'm willing to take the small (or massive) step of letting go of this resentment within myself.  I'm not sure whether any further action is even desirable, given that I only had a professional relationship with this person and do not even work in the same industry anymore. 

What do you think?  Do you have your own conflicts at work?