Dancing

I danced with my lover last night
for the first time
strong arms holding me close
our bodies moving together like
they always do so easy
electric magnetic
His eyes gazing into mine (yes
I said gazing) his face full of
love and joy and in-love
My heart pounding, love love 
No one else in the room
No one else in the world
I danced with my lover for the
first time last night.

At a loss for words

Anyone who knows me knows I'm seldom at a loss for words.  But when it comes to posting on this blog, I sometimes find myself with little to say.  Well, that's not true.  I have plenty to say, but I'm not willing to post it on a blog!  So maybe I should do just that.

I've spent the past year doing a course of transformation with about 60 amazing women from all over the country (and Japan) and a couple of wonderful teachers.  For much of the course, I dived in and really showed up.  We're coming to the end of our formal study, and I find myself retreating to my comfort zone of hiding out until I figure everything out.  So, here's the truth:

• I don't know what I'm going to do with my career.  Make movies?  Write?  Coach?  Get a "real" job?  I'm stymied, and the result is distinctly un-peaceful. 

• My significant other is deploying soon.  I'm proud of him and supportive, but I'm going to miss him.  In some ways, it feels like we've had so little time together.  And his situation with his ex of many years has been deteriorating and is coming to a crescendo.  Necessary but not peaceful.  

 So how can I make peace with these situations?  I think with the career, I have to "just do it," something, anything, push forward into a couple of different areas and see what "sticks."  I can't hide out and wait for inspiration.  I think moving forward will actually create more of a sense of peace, just be lessening the anxiety that's boiling just below the surface. If I apply Byron Katie's The Work, the truth is I don't need to know about my career because I don't yet.  If I didn't have the belief that I needed to know/decide, I would be peaceful or at least neutral.  The turnaround is I don't need to know/decide, until I do.  I need to be open and moving forward.

With my significant other, I think I just enjoy the time we do have together.  I think I need to "keep my eyes on my own paper" and let him deal with the drama in his family and speak my truth and love him and receive love from him. I have a belief that "we should all just get along."  The Work?  We should not all just get along, until we do.  I just need to give Ben's ex the freedom to be who she is and do what she's going to do and protect myself as and if appropriate.

I apologize if this post is too personal to really help you.  But I love the idea of this blog, and I am committed to writing here.  Today, I'm at a loss for words.  Maybe tomorrow, I'll have more to say.

Loving What Is

Several months ago, my friend Laura gave me Byron Katie's book Loving What Is.  I'm just now sitting down to read/work it.  The basic idea seems to be that we create our own pain and misery by expecting/demanding/wanting/requiring that things be other than what they are.  Let's say I am angry and frustrated and disappointed because my boyfriend didn't call me when he said he would (again).  He should call me when he says he will!  Otherwise, I feel like I'm not important, not a priority.  Byron Katie asks me to ask myself 4 questions:

1. Is it true that he should call when he says he will?  I would have said YES!
2. Can I absolutely know it is true that he should call me?   But Katie says the answer is no and the way I know that is because that is what is so.  I know that it isn't true that he should call me because he didn't call me.
3. How do I react when I believe the thought that he should call when he says he will and if he doesn't it means I'm not important?  It feels BAD.  I feel alone, sad.
4. Who would I be without this thought?  I'd be more peaceful.

Then, we're supposed to do a "Turnaround."  For example:

An opposite statement:  I am important or He shouldn't call when he says he will unless he wants to.
Turning the thought to myself: I'm not important to me, I don't prioritize myself.
Turning the thought to the other person:  I don't do what I say I will.  When he doesn't call when he says he will, he's not important to me, I don't prioritize him.

So, what do I think about that?  The turnarounds that resonate with me are "he shouldn't call when he says he will unless he wants to," I'm not important (enough) to myself, I don't prioritize myself.

The learning seems (so far) to be that my boyfriend will and should do what he does (that's his business) and I should prioritize myself and honor my importance to myself (my business). 

Any thoughts?

The Perfect Is the Enemy of The Good

I am inspired this morning by Voltaire.  Actually, this quotation "the perfect is the enemy of the good" is my inspiration; I googled it and saw it was from Voltaire.  How often do I do nothing because I don't have time to do it perfectly?  Sometimes, I'll realize that I haven't responded to an email or phone call from someone I care very much about . . . because I felt like I didn't have time to respond "well" or "fully."  So I don't respond at all?  I'll avert my eyes from the dog hair under the TV cabinet, because I don't have time (or energy or inclination) to clean the house from top to bottom.  Really?  Today, I resolve to do what I can, where I am.  Good is good!  Improvement is good!  Perfect is impossible and not even really desirable. 

Happy New Year

I just realized that it's been more than two weeks since I last posted.  That run-in with the mailman really set the tone for my holiday season, and I'm just now recovering my equilibrium.  I was forced to come to terms with some realities that I'd previously been denying or hiding from.  Not fun but necessary.

Yesterday, I finished a task related to my video work that had been weighing on my consciousness (and conscience) for months.  I knew I'd be relieved, but I wasn't prepared for the lightness I'd feel, the sense of possibility I would experience.   It just reminds me that it's hard to be at peace with myself when I have commitments looming.  It's important for me to follow through with my commitments, so it is vital that I be judicious about what I commit to do. 

How Fear Promotes Aggression

Fear is insidious.  It taints all of our interactions and our perceptions about who we are and where we fit in the world.  I've sometimes heard that "dogs know when you're afraid of them."  This is usually said with the implication that the animal will then attack you because it knows you're afraid, that somehow it is taking advantage of your fear.  I think something quite different is going on.  The reason our fear could invite aggression from a dog (or any other creature) is because our fear creates unsafety for the other.  Fearful creatures are hard to predict - it's impossible to know whether they'll fight or flee or freeze.  It makes sense from a survival perspective for the dog to be wary of fearful creatures.

I had an unpleasant interaction a couple of days ago with the substitute mailman.  I was leaving my house with my dog.  As I always do, I let him out off leash to run to the car.  He saw the mailman next door and went bounding up to the man.  I laughingly apologized and assured him my dog was very friendly, until I realized the guy was really freaked out.  I called my dog back and headed for the car.  "Do you have him?  Because I have to cross those yards!"  "Yes, I'm putting him in the car right now.  I'm sorry he scared you."  "He almost got maced!"  I just looked at him and got in my car and left.  But it really upset me.  My dog is an uber-friendly yellow lab mix.  No one is ever afraid of him, and in fact our regular mailwoman and other subs enjoy petting him and even throwing ball with him.  But this poor guy's first thought is mace.  He had no ability to assess actual risk (the dog was not behaving aggressively in any way, his owner was outside with him and able to control him on voice command).  He went straight to violence.  Because he was afraid.  Now in this case, his fear did not generate an aggressive response in my dog, but it did generate an aggressive response in ME.  I spent the next hour fantasizing about what I might say to his superiors when I called to complain.  Of course, I did calm down and looked at what was creating and fueling my own response.  I felt attacked (you're bad because your dog's not on leash).  I felt abashed (because legally, the dog should be on leash).  I felt defensive of my dog (my decision to let him outside off leash could have gotten him maced).  None of these reactions from me were the mailman's fault or responsibility.  The point is, however, that his fear and fearful response inadvertently triggered MY fears and fearful responses.  If I'd commented back to him about the mace, we would have escalated the situation even further. 

Fearful humans (the ones who are easily offended, highly defended and defensive, always ready to see the worst) are not "attractive."  Instead, their behavior puts others on notice:  be careful around me, I don't feel safe and may lash out, I'm not someone who can handle life very well.  This fearful behavior actually generates the necessity that others be wary of them, hold them at arm's length, withhold information from them.  And in circular fashion, they see the others' actions as evidence that they were right to be fearful in the first place.  It's a vicious cycle.

We must begin to master our fears if we want to promote peace in ourselves, in our relationships, and in the world.  We do that by creating basic safety for ourselves.  I could avoid triggering other people's fear of dogs by (a) keeping the dog on leash as required or (b) making sure I look around before letting him off leash to make sure no one is around and (c) training the dog better not to go running up to people but rather to sit and wait for attention.  If I'd done my part, the situation wouldn't have occurred.  The mailman could take a course in dog avoidance and learn to assess danger so he didn't feel so fearful.  He could take a course in community relations so he didn't offend his customers.  If he hadn't reacted the way he did, the situation would not have occurred.  It's interesting - if either of us had responded differently, the situation would not have occurred.  It doesn't take everyone getting on board.   One person can make a difference.

Conditions for Peace: Safety

I had planned to do an entire post about the conditions for peace (on any scale).  I did my academic research, and prepared my citations.  But then the topic got too big, and I stalled out.  So today, I'm going to bite off a smaller piece.

One of the conditions for peace - self/inner, peace with others, world peace - is a feeling of safety.  If the party(ies) don't feel safe, peace will elude them.  I'm writing today specifically about my own sense of peace and how I jeopardized it by creating a lot of unsafety for myself.  Let me explain.

I am not generating a lot of income.  I'm fortunate that I can fall back on savings while I launch a new business in 2010, but it's vital that I be judicious in my spending.  However, I spent way too much this Christmas on gifts, money I didn't really have.  I love to give gifts; I love to delight the people in my life.  But it's not really a "gift" if it's not paid for.  At best, it's a debt (since it went on my credit card).  And it's taking its toll on my sense of safety - financial safety - and therefore on my sense of peace - it's hard to feel peaceful when you're worried about your dwindling bank balance and mounting credit card bills.  So I'm committing right now to getting my financial house in order and living within my means while I begin generating an income.

One facet of my new business will be family law mediation.  I'm seeing that couples in conflict will have a hard time coming to a peaceful resolution if one or both parties feels unsafe around money, custody, power.  Restoring a feeling of safety will be the first step, I think, in working with couples in conflict.  I'm imagining ways to do that would include agreeing on a vision, setting intentions, setting behavioral guidelines.

I think of "peace in the Middle East," and it seems clear that there can be no peace as long as the parties are afraid the "others" want to annihilate them.

What do you think?  Is safety a condition for peace?  How have you created unsafety for yourself?  For people you care about?  What can you do to begin to restore a sense of safety?